Monday, March 10, 2014


I love being a mom, more than anything ever.  I dreamed of being a mom from the time I was a little girl and played house and mommy to all my cabbage patch dolls.  But being a parent isn't always easy.

Are there days when I feel overwhelmed : yes
Are there days I feel like I do nothing right as a mother : yes
Would I trade it for anything in the world : no

Today was one of those days for sure.
My little Jacob is very good at getting me to say yes to him staying home from school.  He can turn on that poor puppy dog face and look so sad and make my mom heart let him stay home.  He knows how to get to me too.  It is that foot.  (He had foot and ankle surgery twice now and wears a foot brace).  So granted, I know he does have pain in his foot and it hurts him sometimes, but for the most part he does great with it and knows how to use it to his advantage when he wants to come home from school or stay home from school.  And let me tell, I will be the first to adimt it myself that I always end up giving in to him and picking him up from school early or letting him stay  home.  Now it isn't like a daily thing, but just once every few weeks or once in a great while.  If he has a lot of stress going on then it is more on the often side.

My little guy carries things on his shoulders so much.  He feels the stress of his dad and I , and sometimes no matter how hard you try to hide the hard stuff from your kids they still see it or even feel it. He worries so much about everything, even if he doesn't say it I know how to tell when life is getting to him.  Now I know he is only 9 and shouldn't be stressed out about life, but that is just him.  He worries about people and things going on in their lives, he worries about his school work, he worries about his teacher, he worries when he knows me and his dad have important things going on in our lives.  That is just my little guy.  He has a big heart.  I think it is because he has been through so much of his own in his little life that he has that concern and worry on his heart all the time.  He has a big heart so there is extra room for all that love he carries for everyone, along with the worry.

So this morning started like any other Monday morning.  I heard him get up and go into the living room and turn on the TV.  It was still a few minutes before he had to get up and get ready for school so I left him alone.  Once it was time to get up and getting ready for school, I went in there and told him to go get dressed, I had just laid him school clothes out on his bed, when I woke up his brother Caleb at the same time.  He got up and went into his room with no problems to get dressed.  I picked up the pillows and blanket he was using and I didn't hear the boys talking like usual.  So I went in there to make sure they were getting dressed.

No, of course not.

I had to tell them again to get up and get dressed for school or they were going to be late (again) to school.  Little Jacob was laying in his bed all covered up and sits up and says, "But mom, my foot really hurts", in that pitiful voice that always gets me.  I told him, "No, Jacob you are going to school today, your foot will be fine once you get dressed and get your socks and foot brace and shoes on, and you ARE going to school today."  Oh boy that is when the tears started to fall.

It was a full battle this morning to get him to get up and get dressed and come eat his oatmeal that was getting cold, waiting for him on the table.

See also lately he hasn't been turning in his homework at school, even if it is done, it isn't getting turned in, and he isn't focusing in school like he should be, and normally does.  So it is extra important that he goes regularly for the rest of the 3 months of school. Plus next week is their Spring Break, and 3 days this week are short days for parent teacher conferences.

So realizing he forgot his weekend homework in his dads car, I realized that is probably why he didn't want to go to school this morning, but I quickly wrote the teacher a note as we ran out the door to take them to school since they were already going to be tardy at this point.

But I could see he was still upset on the drive to school.  I told him I loved him and he quietly said, I love you too.

I pulled up and they got out of the car and I reminded him to turn in his note and told them to have a good day.

I pulled away from the drop off area and in the rear view mirror I could see him walking in the gate. He was in deed walking with a little more obvious limp this morning than usual.

So then I went through all the what ifs in my mind...
     What if his foot really is hurting him bad today and I made him go to school in pain.

This is when the parenting part is so hard sometimes.  I KNOW that he needs to go to school, I know school is a good place, I like his school, I know that he is 9 and school is most important, I know this... but then my mom heart beats extra hard and I worry that I am making him go to school in pain.. I worry that this affects him and I worry that what if I am sending him the message that I don't believe him when he tells me he is in pain.  So I sit and do the mom struggle in my own mind... am I making the right choice in MAKING him go to school when he says he is in pain.  Am I too soft in letting him stay home before or come home early when it then doesn't seem like his foot is hurting him as much as he let on?  ...  I do an internal struggle with my own brain every single time.

I think back to when his hip was out of socket and he had to go to school for over a MONTH like that because the hospital ER we went to told us he was fine and it was probably just sore and bruised from his fall.  I think back to how sad he probably was having to go to school everyday like that, in pain.. and only complained a little every now and then.

I struggle with mom heart and brain all the time...
Am I making the right choices for my kids, am I too hard on them, am I too easy on them, do I yell at them too much, do I make them do enough chores to make them grow into responsible children, do I make them do too many chores and not let them be kids...

I guess all this worry and anxiety and questioning myself is all part of being a parent, which is exactly why it isn't always easy.

I know there are days when I will fail miserably, and days when I will shine to them as well.  But for all the days in between I have just come to know that I try my hardest at being a good mom to my kids and as long as I try my hardest and do what I , and we as parents believe is the best for them, that is all that matters in the end.

I can't change the bad, the past or the negative... But I can continue to give them all of my unconditional dying love and remind them daily of how much their dad and I love them with our whole hearts.  I can continue to play with them, teach them, grow with them, and learn from them too.  As their mother I can just do the best that I am capable of and hope that they turn into as amazing adults as they are children.

To Little Jacob, Caleb and Chloe, I love you more than anything and I love being your mom!


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